This week has been hard. Work has been extra crazy…. a good challenge but left me drained at the end of the week. Getting out of my routine has triggered my anxiety. I have been pretty open about it throughout my blog posts, which is why I decided to post how I was feeling. Perhaps it’s getting into a new groove with the work life balance but boy am I off this week…. Or the reality that we moved our family half way around the world is finally hitting me.
I am not sleeping well (trigger), inconsistent with working out (trigger) and grabbing breakfast and lunch last minute (trigger)… well that is the perfect storm. I have been an anxious person as long as I can remember and the hardest part is trying to get someone else to understand what it’s like if they never felt it. But no time for lessons here 🙂 my point of bringing this up is that I have felt great since we got here. Maybe it’s the adrenaline that has worn off or all of the trigger factors just making for a bad week, but anxiety makes you want to run and get out of the discomfort. It is not that I want to leave my job or my house here in Okinawa. It is just that when I think of wanting to fly home for a holiday or see my best friends and family… the LONG trek it would take and dealing with the jet lag with a toddler…. you just decide well maybe next time.
It has been wonderful to make new friends and enjoy these experiences but every once in awhile the idea that this isn’t a vacation but real life… it hits you with the reality of the distance. The small group of people (close friends/family) in my life that truly know me are my rocks and I miss them. I miss them terribly. I am annoyed by the time difference. I miss BSing on the way home from work to blow off steam from the day. I miss the idea of planning a last minute trip to see them. I’m my old office crew that snapped me out of my bad day. I miss knowing where all my things were as I still struggle to get organized. I miss my favorite restaurants or cooking dinner with friends. The reality is when you have lived with anxiety your whole life, people will try and tell you what your feeling is irrational. Yes.. the feeling of wanting to get on a plane does not make sense when I have and will continue to enjoy so much about Japan. But the truth is the anxiety comes from feelings deep within that you are afraid to say. You fear something. I promised myself moving to Okinawa would be the end to being fearful… but today it’s not fear…. it’s just sadness… despite all the amazing adventures we have been on… I miss my people. It is just a wave in this big transition… and it will pass, but for now I mediate, exercise, take a nap and make a priority to find balance as I wait for the wave to pass.
Even as I finish my post, I feel a sense of relief. It is never been my personality to show only the good, but show and talk about real life. And right now this week, this transition to life across the ocean is lonely and hard. Yes, I am so happy with my little family, but there are people an ocean away that are also part of who make me whole. And I miss them. They tell me it takes time, so I’ll wait because nothing worth doing is ever easy.